When People Give Mixed Messages in Conversations
Confusing conversations happen more often than most people want to admit. A person says one thing in one conversation and something different in another, and wonders why you feel confused. Or, someone agrees with you in private but then publicly says the polar opposite, and wonders why you feel angry. Or you state your point of view incredibly clearly with little room for interpretation, just before nobody in the room seems fully certain about what you actually said. People often leave interactions like these frustrated with each other when the larger issue of information exchange was never questioned, let alone understood.
Emotion Changes Communication
Most people enter conversations already feeling something before the first word is said. Unpleasant emotions like fear, frustration, embarrassment, sadness, anger, or anxiety may already exist beneath the relationship surface, which makes exchanging clear information challenging at best. With emotions running high, anyone sending information is set up for failure, while anyone receiving information is primed for misinterpretation. Emotions pressure the effective exchange of information, which means we must first acknowledge the emotional state we are in and that of the other person before we can expect to offer a clear path forward.
Without emotional acknowledgment, everyone involved in the exchange of information is put at risk. For example, a person who feels challenged may soften or abandon their position halfway through the conversation, even if they are right. Another person may quickly agree with whoever they are positively toward and ignore the advice of others who may have a better solution. Someone else may start challenging the details because they avoided listening to the information that was offered, because they felt distant toward the person who was speaking. Worse yet, the person speaking may not fully recognize the information avoidance behaviors while they are happening, when the audience’s attention is focused on self-protection.
The brain constantly tries to predict danger based on previous experiences. So, if the person sending the information is considered threatening to the person receiving the information, rest assured that the information sent was not optimally processed because the relationship itself is not safe enough to ensure effective information exchange.
Why Some Conversations Become So Confusing
Surprise also affects communication. A difficult question can catch a person off guard before they understand what they think or feel. Then the person tries to organize thoughts, manage emotions, and respond socially all at the same time. Confusing communication tends to follow because the person is reacting while still trying to figure themselves out internally. We’ve all seen this happen at one time or another in our lives.
Many people blame themselves or the other person immediately when this happens. In reality, the conversation may simply be moving faster than the nervous system can process optimally. A rushed answer given under emotional pressure often creates more confusion than a short pause ever would. So when you feel confused, just stop and say, “I need a minute to think about that.” Most conversations improve when people slow down enough to understand what they are actually trying to communicate.
Responding to Mixed Messages
When another person gives mixed messages, attacking them usually makes the conversation worse. They can become defensive, feel embarrassed, or cornered. When mixed messages show up, it is a great time to get curious and calm.
Rather than attacking a person for the mixed messages they are sending, try saying, “I am feeling confused because this sounds different from what you said earlier.” That response identifies the inconsistency without immediately assigning bad intent. Sometimes contradictions are intentional. Sometimes they are a mistake. Remember, even the best and most effective communicators can sometimes misunderstand their own message.
Checking for understanding helps prevent confusion from turning into a negative emotional reaction like resentment. Questions such as “Does that sound right?” or “What are you taking away from this conversation?” force both people to slow down and pay closer attention to the actual information being exchanged.
Clear communication depends on more than words. Although words matter greatly, a person also needs enough self-awareness to notice when emotion starts steering the conversation somewhere their actual thoughts never intended to go.
