Thanksgiving can bring together people who love each other and still know exactly how to get under each other’s skin. You may already know who will ask the question you do not want to answer, bring up the argument everyone has had before, or make the comment that leaves you irritated for the rest of dinner. If the same things happen year after year, you already have useful information about what you may experience this year.
Preparing for Thanksgiving does not require assuming the worst about your family. You can pay attention to what people have consistently demonstrated and decide what you want to do with that information. Trust the pattern.
Know What You Can Rely On
Maybe your uncle brings up politics every year. Maybe your mother comments on what you are eating, your relationship, or how you raise your children. Maybe your sibling regularly arrives late and expects everyone to wait before eating.
You do not have to spend the week before Thanksgiving hoping everyone will suddenly behave differently. Their past behavior gives you information you can use to prepare. If their behavior changes this year, you will have new information to consider.
Decide What You Can Rely On From Yourself
Preparation also includes thinking about your own patterns. Maybe you tell yourself every year that you will ignore a particular comment, but you end up in the same argument. Maybe you agree to stay all day even though you know that several hours with your family leaves you overwhelmed and ready to leave.
Make commitments to yourself that you can reasonably keep. You might decide which conversations you will participate in, how long you want to stay, whether you need your own transportation, or who you can turn to when you need support. Following through gives you evidence that you can rely on yourself when the day becomes difficult.
You Do Not Have to Fix Thanksgiving
Family relationships have histories, and one holiday rarely changes them. Thanksgiving does not need to become the day everyone finally understands each other, resolves an old conflict, or behaves exactly as you hoped.
Pay attention to the relationships you actually have. Believe the patterns you have experienced, decide what you can reasonably expect, and make choices that reflect what you know about yourself and the people around you. Then leave room for people, including yourself, to give you new information.
The Trauma-Informed You examines trustworthiness, relationships, self-support, and how your experiences can give you useful information about yourself and other people. The free Trauma-Informed You Journey gives you another way to continue that work.
