Trust their Pattern
Trust gets complicated when someone tells you one thing and keeps doing something else. You want to believe them, especially when the relationship matters to you. But eventually, you have enough information to stop wondering what they might do and start paying attention to what they keep doing.
Trust develops through behavioral patterns. If someone cancels almost every time you make plans, you can trust that when you make plans with them, they will likely back out. If someone regularly tells you other people's secrets, you can reasonably expect that they will share yours too. Trust means using what you have already experienced to understand what you can reasonably expect.
Trustworthiness is Earned
Someone can also be predictable without being trustworthy. You can trust that your friend will probably be late because they are late every time you meet. You can trust that your relative will bring up the same argument at Thanksgiving because they have done so for the last five years. Knowing the pattern gives you useful information, even when you wish it were different.
Trustworthiness is about whether someone's behavior gives you enough reason to feel comfortable relying on them. Imagine leaving town and needing someone to hold the keys to your house. You probably wouldn't hand them over just because someone says, “You can trust me.” More likely, you would consider what you already know about them. Maybe they have consistently respected your boundaries, demonstrated responsible behaviors in your home, and done what they said they would do over and over again. Those experiences give you information about whether handing them the keys makes sense.
Avoid Explaining the Pattern Away
Relationships can make accepting a pattern difficult. Sometimes we explain each incident separately because considering them together would require us to acknowledge that something about the relationship is wrong or doesn’t make sense. Catch yourself excusing behavior because they were stressed, something came up, they apologized, or they promised to do better because these are examples of you explaining away important information.
Trust the pattern you have actually witnessed. Then decide what you want to do with the information.
The Trauma-Informed You examines trustworthiness, transparency, and what happens when we explain away our own experiences. The free Trauma-Informed You Journey provides another place to continue that work.
