I Am the Best Relationship I Will Ever Have

Your relationship with you started a long time ago. And unfortunately, other people got in the way of that relationship, which happens to us all.

How, you ask? When you were a baby, the people around you were your first teachers. You cried. They held you, or not. You screamed out in hunger. They fed you, or not. You sat in a poopy diaper. They changed you, or not. Those early moments were lessons about what to expect from the world and, eventually, from yourself.

Those experiences shape the way you relate to yourself. If you received reliable care, your nervous system learned that trusted people would meet your needs. If you didn’t, you knew that help might not come. Worse, you might have learned that you were on your own to determine how to meet your needs because no one could be trusted to do so.

Childhood can be a nightmare for many of us. And the lessons learned early on do not stay in childhood. If the people in your life taught you that you were “no good” or unworthy of attention, you might still carry those beliefs into adulthood. You may even treat yourself as if you don’t matter or are not worthy of care.

As the years go by, the way you treat yourself becomes the model for how others learn to treat you. People notice when you speak to yourself with dignity and kindness, even when life is hard. When you treat yourself like you don’t matter, they see that too. You train others how to interact with you by how you interact with yourself. This usually isn’t conscious, but your relationship with yourself sets the stage for how you move through the world.

Here’s the part no one tells you: your relationship with yourself is not fixed. Just because it has been this way for a long time doesn’t mean you can’t repair your relational rupture with yourself. You can mend the relationship, improve it, and learn how to be your own best friend. You can re-teach yourself how to care for yourself. You can be the friend, partner, parent, and safe person you needed all along.

Start simple. Think about how you show care to others and do the same for yourself. Feed your body like it deserves to be nourished. Sleep like your brain depends on it, because it does. Move your body because it needs exercise. Step outside and let sunlight hit your skin for just 15 minutes a day. Identify your values and live them through your actions. Surround yourself with people who see the real you and actually like being around that person. And be choosy about who gets access to your time and energy. Talk to yourself like someone worth showing up for. If you wouldn’t say those cruel things to someone you love, stop saying them to yourself. And if you slip up, correct yourself in the moment. Say something kind or supportive instead, over and over and over again, until it becomes second nature.

The goal isn’t perfection, because no relationship in all of human history is perfect. The goal is to build a safe, trustworthy, warm, and empowered relationship with the one person who will be there for you from beginning to end.

You.

Say it with me: I am the best relationship I will ever have.